Holly;2:30am

you know, the reason why i don’t call you is not because i don’t want to. holly, of course you’re the first person i want to talk to when something goes good and when something goes bad. even when something doesn’t go or if somethings goes mediocre-illy, i want to tell you about it. i just thought it might’ve been kind of an inconvenience. that’s all. i don’t want to get in the way of all the stuff you’re going through. i know you’re in a transition, figuring things out for yourself, and finding the right and proper thing to do for what’s good for you. i was thinking that calling you to talk to you about the insignificant things going on in my life might be a bother to you. so i don’t call.

 

i don’t want you to think that you’re not a special person to me. in fact, you’re THE special person i want to tell everything to. and that might make me sound and look retarded, or look like an idiot, but, holly, you really are the first person i think of when i want to talk to someone. about something. about anything!

 

i just don’t want to get in the way of anything that you’re going through. that’s all. really. i don’t ever want to be a hindrance to you. i thought less contact with me was what you wanted.

 

but as you were walking away from the car tonight, it dawned on me that maybe you like getting calls from me. maybe you like talking to me. maybe talking to me might possibly be fun for you. and maybe good for you.

 

i want to talk to you. i enjoy talking to you. even about nonsensical shit. talking to you about anything makes me happy. but i also don’t want to get in the way of you becoming who you want to become, on your own, with your own volition, while you develop into your own person that you want to become. it would be very selfish of me to get in the way of that just because i want to talk to you about whatever it is i might want to talk about.

 

i just want you to know that. okay? it has nothing to do with what i want. it has everything to do with what i think is the best for you right now. and if i’m wrong, let me know. i’m good at adjusting. and it’s because i think you’re worth it. that’s all. to me, you really are.

 

okay. i feel like i’m getting sappy and shit. i’m gonna stop right now before i become a total pussy.

 

just know that i love you. that’s all there is to it.

 

so yes, i’ll be calling you. just promise me you’ll tell me when. because if i had my druthers, i’d be calling you everyday. i’m retarded like that.

 

i think i might’ve showed you my hand. but i don’t care. i think you deserve seeing what i got. take the pot. split it. whatever you want. just let me know.

 

have a good week, holly. and, if you need help writing down your month to month for the next couple of years, let’s do another denny’s marathon. if you need me to help ask around about the teaching loans, i will. even if all you want is a walking partner around the rose bowl once every month, i’m down. i just want to help you.

 

just trust me. believe me. and you’ll see what i see.

 

i’ll talk to you soon. =)