Heinrik Hiramatsu;4:32pm

i’ve been fucking up, dude. i took a road trip to seattle. came back a couple of days ago. drove up the pacific coast highway, hugged the coast, from LA to the bay, through humbolt, to oregon and washington, to bury a poem at the grave of carlos bulosan. this was a whimsical decision, influenced more by cocaine, marijuana, and a lot of alcohol, than any cultural need to connect with a famous pilipino writer. i was just feeling shitty and needed to get the fuck out of town.

a couple of weeks ago or so, i was informed i was getting laid off. i got a phone call from my sister telling me grandma was in the last stages of her alzheimers. holly was getting it on like donkey kong with my friend. zero3 was offered a spot at some presidential candidate townhall meeting up ion irvine. and the event planning company was getting a shitload of gigs. the last couple of thing was good news, but the reality of it means more fucking pressure to make something good happen.

and, you know, i’m a weak dude. albeit (woohoo! i was able to use the word ‘albeit’!) one that it training to become stronger, but with all those things happening at once, my god, i just had to get the fuck out of town just to not blow my brains out or blow someone else’s brains out.

now that i’m back, i have to do a lot of damage control. i’m gonna have to convince work that i was one vacation leave. in the amount of time i’ve worked at LIPA i’ve accumulated about 14 days worth of vacation time. so i’ll try to get them to give it to me. if not, fuck it. i’m getting laid off anyway. with the event planning company, i’m probably going to have to give them my share of the money just to appease them. right before i left, cookie landed some big gigs. i’m talking 10,000 dollars worth and i’m going to have to give my cut, which is a third of that. sucks. but hey. i would’ve been a detriment anyway, in the state i was in.

anyway, this letter reall sucks ass. i think i’m still in a funk of some sort. but at least, not the kind of funk that has me running away from the shit i need to challenge. at least, now that i’m back, i’m fixing things that need my attention and that’s a good sign, in terms of evolution of this particularly elementary human.

very weak i am, right now. the difference between me now and me before, is that the me now isn’t going to lay down anymore. oh yeah, he’ll fuck up, like i just did, but the me now, will get back up even with a bloody eyeball and keep on swinging.

this might be a lost fight, but i sure as hell am not going to get knocked out.

give me a couple of days. i’ll get back my rhythm.

cheers.